


Cell 426

by wholockedpsycho7



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen, Prison, Stormcage Containment Facility
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-31
Updated: 2014-03-24
Packaged: 2018-01-10 16:56:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 12,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1162212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wholockedpsycho7/pseuds/wholockedpsycho7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What exactly do the guards at Stormcage think of Doctor River Song? Collection of one shots about the prison's most unique 'prisoner'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

None of the guards spoke of the prisoner in cell 426 without frustration, annoyance, and, if they were honest, admiration in their voice.

She was the only prisoner who could get out of a cell handcuffed to a pole, surrounded by a dozen of the guards that had special training. It was actually quite impressive. The strangest thing about this prisoner, though, was that when, not if, but when she escaped, she was always back within the hour. Sometimes within the same 5 minutes. Who in their right mind would come back to this place?

All of the Stormcage guards were told she wasn't the normal prisoner. They were told she escaped nightly. The poor ones that got assigned her cell usually thought it would be easy. They thought they were smarter than the guards before them. But it always ended the same way every night. If there was a guard there, they would wake up the next day with no memory of how she escaped. It didn't help that the cameras were always cut off when she slipped away.

So, eventually, all the experienced guards knew what to do. If she suddenly wasn't there, just continue patrolling for half an hour or so. The next time you passed her cell, she would be back. Never mind the fact that she looked like she had just been fighting a war in heels and a Victorian-style dress. She was back.

And, over time, most of the smart ones knew not to ask the prisoner questions. She always answered, of course, but the answers never made any sense. At one point one of the new guys had taken the other's advice and come back by later to find her sitting there, writng in a blue book, wearing a wet scuba diving outfit.

He knew what the others had warned him, but curiosity took over. "Doctor Song." He calls to her, stopping outside the bars. She looked up. "Yes?"

He glanced over her get-up. "Where have you managed to possibly use that in the last hour?" She smiled. "Well, the idiot decided that we should go visit Winston Churchill. He really is a lovely man. Problem was, we ended up next to Atlantis in the bottom of the ocean." She paused, noticing his expression.

"He wanted to go look at some random life form. So we went in and had tea with the Emperor, but then he realized that I had been the one that blackmailed his dad. Long story short, I got to use a waterproof gun and He learned that the sonic has an under water setting." She then proceeded to pull her hair out of the ponytail and set the elastic by her helmet.

The guard just stared at her like she was crazy. She continued writing in the blue book. Finally he turned and continued his patrol. They were right. Don't ask.


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> River's getting dressed.

This time, a general had been assigned her cell. In reality, the prison warden just wanted to see what Doctor Song would do to the man. He never had liked that man, with all the medals and honours. The general claimed he could keep the most dangerous prisoner sitting in a cell, thanking the guard for the oppurtunity to be there. So what had the warden said? 

You should meet the prisoner in cell 426.

The general paced up and down the block of cells. Up and down. The prisoner, a woman called Doctor Song, was in her cell doing what looked like getting dressed. Long, flowing red gown with black heels. Lipstick and accesories.

At one point, he had to ask. "Where do you think you're going?" She smiled and continued teasing her hair. "If I'm lucky? Barcelona. There's supposed to be a ball going on in the 43rd century there." He stopped abrubtly. He loved prisoners that were feisty. Made the job more interesting. "I can assure you that you won't be leaving this cell tonight."

She rolled her eyes. "I do love a feisty guard. Makes things more interesting." And put on an earring. He had to admit, he wasn't expecting that. She then turned to him."Dear, do you mind handing me that phone? I'm entitled to one outgoing call a day."

He gave her a look before getting the phone and handing it through the bars. She dialed. "Mum? Yes, dear. Give the phone to him, will you?" She hooked a necklace around her neck. "Hello dear! New one. No, of course not." She stole a glance at the general.

"Yes. Barcelona. My vortex manipulator needs charging. Mmmhmmm. Thanks, sweetie." The prisoner handed back the phone. "Thank you. That will be all." The general raised his eybrow, but took the phone anyway and hung it up. The woman continued to get dressed.

He pulled up a chair and sat on the other side of the bars. Forget the other prisoners. This one was far too dangerous to be let out of sight. He thought about the one-sided conversation he had just heard. Oddly enough, the first thing that came to mind was that she was talking to her mother part of the time. What kind of murderer calls and talks to her mum like they're good friends? There was no record of family. He had read her file several times over. Just River Song. The only thing they had on her was that she had begun attending Luna University and gotten a Docorate in archeology.

Then she had murdered a man, a Time Lord to be specific. The last one. He was a great saviour to milllions, and a hero to practically all others. He had defeated Daleks, Cybermen, Weeping Angels, and multiple other feared and said to be undefeatable beings. And this man was called the Doctor.

"I don't like your uniforms much, you know. They're really quite bland." She suddenly said randomly. He turned to her. "I don't play games, Doctor Song." She grinned. "You must have a boring life." He raised up a stick and swung at her. She caught it with ease in her hand. Then she walked across the cell and went back to the mirror.

The general sat in silence for a moment. He looked over at the curly blond haired lady who was currently makiing finishing touches to her dress. "How do you live with yourself?" She glanced over. "Pardon?"

He stood up. "You killed the best man ever known. How do you live knowing that?" She sent him a smirk, like she knew something he didn't.

"Honestly? I don't." That was the last thing he heard before everything went black.

A couple minutes later, he woke up handcuffed inside her cell. Outside, there was the prisoner, talking to a red-headed lady dressed up equally as nice. There was a large blue- did that say police box? "Yes, Mum, I know. I didn't kill him. Just knocked him out." She pointed at the general, who was groggy and trying to wake up again.

"He's waking back up. Let me put him back to sleep." The prisnoner turned, but her 'mum' put a hand on the shoulder. "Leave him be. It's not like the authorities will believe him." Doctor Song shrugged. "If you say so." A man stepped out of the box. "Dad! How are you?" She rushed over and gave him a hug. He shrugged. "You know, the usual."

Yet another man stepped out of the box with a grin on his face. "Hi honey, I'm home." The convict send him a flirtatious smirk. "And what sort of time do you call this?" And then they're....kissing? The general shook his head to clear out his thoughts. "Doctor Song, you'll be facing serious consequences when you get back!" He called out from the cell.

She turned to him. "Looking forward to it." And then, for the second time, everything went black


	3. Part 3

The guard walked past her cell again. She was still leafing through that book. Suddenly, he had to ask.

"Doctor Song?" She looked up. "Why do you keep coming back?" She smiled. "Well, certainly part of it is the fun involved. I always like a challenge. Unfortuanately, you boys are just as easy to get past as you always have." He looked at her, amazement spelled out on his face. "You come back to prison for fun?"

"Well, that and the fact that I completely deserve my sentence." He gave her a strange look. That's not normally the attitude prisoners carried. Especially here, where only the evillest were contained. "Who was it you killed?" He asked, curious.

She closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall. "Best man I've ever known." Now that definitely didn't make sense. "Why did you kill him, then?" He knew he shouldn't be asking. But honestly, no one could resist asking her questions. She was the most unusual prisoner there ever was at Stormcage.

She laughed and ignored the question. Suddenly, a noise sounded in the hallways. It sounded remarkably like brakes squeaking. "What on earth is that?" He yelled, running to the alarm box. The last thing he heard was "The best man I've ever known." before he was put into a wonderful dream about ponies.


	4. Part 4

Doctor Song flashed away in front of his eyes. One moment she was there, messing with some black thing on her wrist, the next, vanished. The guard went to raise the alarm, but suddenly there was a noise filling the air. He looked around and saw a police box matierialize right in front of her cell.

The guard walked around the box quickly to see how it had gotten there. Suddenly, the door on the blue box flew open. A young man with messed up hair and a shirt that was only half way on stumbled out. The door shut behind him. He growled and snapped his fingers. Nothing happened.

The man sighed and sunk to the ground. "...just because I wanted a fez..." The guard stared at him in bewilderment. "She's really stubborn, you know. Got me to take it off when she went all 'sweetie' on me. Then shoots it! Come on! I can never keep a hat on when I'm with her." He rambled to the guard.

After a minute, he stands up and turns to face the box. "River! I will be going through your cell if you don't let me back in! Oh, and just because the you're the TARDIS's favorite doesn't mean anything. Please come out! Please." He shouts at the closed door.

Doctor Song's head pops out. "Sweetie, I really don't mind if you go through my cell. And I am absolutely not letting you back in until you promise you won't try to wear that stupid fez." The man puts on a ridiculous pout. "Fine." He agrees grudgingly. The guard stands there for a moment, still shocked.   
Needless to say, he only arrived the week before.

"Doctor Song, I'm going to have to ask you to come with me, please." He said, trying to hide the slight tremor in his voice. She smirked and stepped out. The guard's eyes widened, and the young man immediately stood inbetween her and the guard trying to cover her.

"River!" He hissed out through his teeth.

She laughed. "You did say your bowtie would look good on me."


	5. Chapter 5

The guard rushed down the hallway and went in the direction he had heard it. "Doctor Song." He addressed the woman sitting on the cot, sheets pulled all the way over her body. She looked up from her book that she had been 'reading'. "Yes? Is there a problem?" She asked innocently.

"I could've sworn I heard a woman's voice screaming..." He trailed off, looking around. He heard male chucking. He snapped his head back towards Doctor Song. "What was that?" He demanded, looking at her. "What was what? I think you need to lay off the drinks. Maybe get some sleep." She suggested, smirking.

"Mmmph!" the prisoner's foot had slid over to the ground. The guard looked at her feet. Unless her feet just grunted, she might be right. "Are you sure? No noises?" He asked, looking around her cell. She shook her head. "None."

"Alright then." He began to walk away from her cell, but he hesitated. "And, Doctor Song, you are wearing clothes, right?" She laughed at the look on his face. "Of course." 

He didn't want to test that theory. He had seen what had happened to the guards that had tried any moves on her. They ended up locked in her cell with her own lingerie on. Not to mention the fact that they were hanging upside down by ropes tied around their feet.

He turned to walk away again, but ended up hitting something and falling over backwards. He cursed and rubbed his forhead as he sat up. "Sir, you really should be laying off the drinks." She said smugly. He looked around. What had he even ran into?

He must have just been sleep deprived. He turned and walked in the opposite direction he had just went. As he rounded the corner, he could have sworn he heard a male laugh, but when he popped back by she was just sitting there, reading the book on ancient Roman history.

When he finally left, she put the book down. "Alright, come on out." The Doctor climbed out from under her cot. "Was it really necessary to kick me?" he asked, rubbing his nose. She sighed. "Is it really necessary to touch my back while I was talking to my guard? No. So hush, and let's go in the TARDIS. I don't want the poor guard to hear you screaming again."


	6. Part 6

The guard watched as Doctor Song continued packing. "Where are you going?" He asked her. No use in hiding the fact that she would get out. He had learned the hard way. The last time he tried to stop her, he ended up tied up by his own shirt sleeves wearing nothing but his underwear. 

She looked up at him. "Time Vortex, actually. Maybe after that he'll finally let me visit Da Vinci." She started humming, putting a lacy bra into her pack. 

"So, is this infamous he your lover or something?" He asked curiously, but still taking care to be out of a slap's reach. Not that the distance could stop her, but it made him feel a little better. 

"You could say that, I suppose. He's my husband." she said casually. The guard's eyes widened. "Your file doesn't say that you're married." He said as calmly as possible. 

"My file also doesn't say how old I am." She then started actually dressing herself, slipping off her prison uniform. The guard turned his back. No need to get hurt. 

"And how would you know that?" he already knew the answer. She was famous in this prison for breaking out and just entertaining herself in general with the resources she had. 

"I read it. Half of it's wrong." She told him matter-of-factly. Of course she did. "Doctor Song, will we ever get to meet this husband?" She grinned at him. "Goodness, Paul! He comes every single night. You lot just don't see him." 

The guard laughed. The husband is imaginary. Has to be. It makes sense, really. Doctor Song is completely mad. If they're honest, also undeniably powerful. Those things together are extremely dangerous. 

She continues humming. "You know what, Paul? You're absolutely right. He's made up. I made him up for fun. But you know what you has to ask yourself?" She leaned her head out the bars towards the back of his ear. 

"Where am I every night?"

 

[feedback would be awesome peoples!]


	7. Part 7

A loud noise sounded in Stormcage. Half a dozen guards rushed around the corner to see a blue box next to Doctor Song's empty cell. They had heard of this happening before, but it was normally late at night. The prisoner had been missing more than 12 hours this time. Far more than was usual for her. 

Their guns pointed at all sides. Suddenly, the door was flung open and a young-looking man stumbled out carrying Doctor Song. The guards looked at each other. This was new. 

"Out of my way." He growled. "Sir, we have to ask you to stay where you are." One of them said, pointing his gun at him. "She got drunk. Tried to get me drunk. As you can see, it didn't work." He stumbled towards the cell, tripping and zig zagging. 

"State your name and intention." The guard tried again. "My intention-" he paused, swaying. "-is to get her back in bed. I gave her some pain killers." 

He finally made it into the cell. "Alright, never mind. She's staying with me. Even if she blows my hats to pieces." He started grumbling something incoherently. 

Then the man turned around and started walking out of the cell. "Sir, I really must insist you leave her in our custody. She's been gone 12 hours this time. The board's gone mad." 

He laughed. "Now we know she can't fly her drunk." The guards looked at each other quizzically. Then the man started rambling about fezzes. He carried her, very ungracefully, the few feet back to the box. 

The guard pointed the gun at his head. "Sit the woman down, sir." The man laughed and snapped his fingers. Nothing appeared to happen. "Alright, dear. In you go." He walked in. 

The guards shot tranquilizers, but they bounced off of some kind of force field around the man. The doors shut and the blue box box disappeared.

And when Doctor Song was back in her cell two hours later, mysteriously without any signs of a hangover, they all laughed. 

"Doctor Song, why are you wearing a fez?" She glared at him. "So, maybe I can't fly her better drunk than he can sober."


	8. Part 8

Doctor Song was humming when they found her back in her cell that night. The guards exchanged glances. It wasn't unusual for her to have rapidly changed moods when she returned at night. Sometimes she would be frustrated, sometimes happy, sometimes tired, and sometimes, very few, but sometimes, she would cry. 

It was a very rare thing. She was never seen crying on video, of course. She was clever enough to disable them. But every now and then, a guard would pass by her cell when she got back, and she would be silently crying while writing in a blue book.

They didn't ask. How could they? She was the most powerful prisoner there. And someone had managed to make her cry. Recently, it had happened more and more often. 

So now, when she was actually so happy, he decided to ask her. 

"What's got you so happy?" She looked up from the book she was writing him. "He knew who I was, gave up the fez, and let me use handcuffs on him! And let me tell you, that is a rare thing."

"A fez?" "Yes. I'm still wondering how someone so old can act like a five year old child. Except when he's, shall we say, excited. Then, oh yes-" She paused, letting out a throaty chuckle. "then, he shows his age."

The guard looked at her in disbelief. "Why would you do that with a man older than you? Surely, you can get ones the same age, or younger than you!" he said, awkwardly gesturing at her body. "Oh, you should be hoping he's not watching this surveillance tape. As it turns out, he does get jealous. And you're absolutely right. I can get men and women, actually. Not really that type, though. I like a man. Well, I say man. He's more like a child." 

A wheezing noise suddenly echoes through the large hallway. "Oh, dear. He was watching the tape." She stands up and closes the book. A young man suddenly comes up out of nowhere. "I hope you weren't referring to Doctor Song's body when you did that. I don't really like it when people look at her like that." He says, arms folded across his chest. 

"No sir. Just saying a point. Doctor Song is a prisoner, and I will not have a relationship with one. And sir, visiting hours are over. You may get a phone call for about another hour, but you may not visit with her." the guard tells him. 

"I wasn't planning on visiting. I was just with her for a few days! And honey, I'm sorry if I don't make it tomorrow. Helmic Regulator isn't working properly." He directs the last sentence at the prisoner. 

She glares at him. "If you would let me fix it, maybe we wouldn't have that problem." The man puts on a ridiculous pout. "I can fix it, Melody! Do I get another goodbye kiss if I promise to be here tomorrow?" 

"Sir, visiting hours are over. Come back tomorrow if you can. I have to ask you to leave." the guard tells him in an authoritative tone. He wasn't going to ask about what he called her or the fact that he had seen her for days. That's the advice he got from the guards that were resigning because of this prisoner, anyway. 

"I'm having a conversation here. And just to let you know, I'm the one who breaks this woman out every night. So hush." The guard immediately goes to raise the alarm, but the Doctor points a sonic screwdriver at it and no noise comes out. 

The guard runs off down the hallway. "Goodbye, Sweetie." Doctor Song sits back down on her cot. "Aww, come on! Please!" 

 

**************************

-The next day-

Two guards strolled past cell 46. They weren't originally going to talk to the prisoner. It just wasn't smart. 

But they busted out laughed as soon as they saw her. "Doctor Song, what are you wearing?" 

She glared at the two. "I lost a bet. He did manage to fix the Helmic Regulator. Now, continue laughing, and you'll be hanging from the ceiling by this thing."

The striped scarf was one of the longest things the guards had ever seen. Topped with a Stetson with jelly babies glued to it, it was definitely one of the stranger outfits Doctor Song had worn.


	9. Part 9

Doctor Song was messing with something in her cell. One of the more recent guards was passing by when he noticed exactly what it was. The vortex manipulator. They had confiscated it multiple times, but she still managed to get it back. 

He quickly lunged in the cell and tried to get it from her grasp. She shoved him off easily and continued pressing buttons. At the last second, he managed to get a grip on it again, and they both flashed off. 

He blinked several times. He was   
definitely not in Stormcage anymore. "What the....." he looked around. He was standing in a large, circular room with blue and green lighting. 

"Good grief! You people are stubborn." Doctor Song's voice came from behind him. "Doctor Song, where the hell are we?" The guard asked gruffly. 

"You're in my TARDIS!" A man's voice came from behind him again. "River Song, what were you thinking?" He scolds her. "Oh yes, I purposely brought along one of the guards. That's exactly the sort of thing I would do!"

"Well, I don't want him on here." The man said. "I understand. Want me all to yourself, huh?" She asked, flirtatiously running a finger under his chin. 

"No. Well, yes. Wait, no! Clara's onboard. Asleep, but she's still here." He fumbled. "Oh. So we're after Mum and Dad. I did figure that from the console, but.." She said softly. The guard can hardly believe what he's seeing. Doctor Song, showing sympathy. 

"Yeah." The man looked away for a second. "Have you met Clara? I'll wake her up, you know." 

"No, I haven't. I don't really want to. Let's just have a date night." She replied, pulling an elastic out of her hair and letting it tumble to her shoulders. The Doctor watched her in a daze. "What is going on?" the guard demanded. Doctor Song rolled her eyes. 

"Let's put him in a padded room or something. The TARDIS won't let him out, will you, dear?" She patted the rail lovingly. A hum came out in response.

"Tell me where I am. Now." The guard seethed. "Shut up. I always have more power over you, especially now. Where you are now is none of your business. You followed me." River said with a glare. 

The guard mentally gulped. She was right, of course. As much as he hated to admit it. She had power over everyone she was around.

"Here, how about this. I'll handcuff him to the rail." She pulled out a pair of handcuffs. "Alright. Over here." She shoved him forcefully. "Doctor Song! I would appreciate it if you would take me back." The guard struggled, not that it affected her in any way. 

She snapped the handcuffs around his wrists. "Finally! Sweetie, come here." She went to the Doctor and kissed him roughly. "Excuse me! Just take me back!" He continued to protest. 

River pulled away. "Do I have to gag you as well?" He shut his mouth, and she continued with her assault on the Doctor's mouth. "Oi! Who do you think you are?" a new voice suddenly came in. 

The Doctor pulled away immediately. "Clara! Hello! Go back to bed now." He said quickly, and then decided to start kissing her again. "What? No! You can't just wake me up, and then not pay attention to me just because you start snogging a woman." 

He reluctantly pulled away again. "Listen, just go to sleep. This is Doctor River Song, my wife. I haven't seen her in a long time. I'll introduce you properly later. Come along, Pond." He grabbed her hand and pulled her in the opposite direction. 

"Since when are you married? Doctor!" The young brunette yelled after him. "Excuse me! Tell me where I am and who you lot are!" The guard demanded. 

"No, you tell me who you are. You're handcuffed, I'm not." She snapped back. "I'm a guard at Stormcage containment facility. Doctor Song is one of my prisoners, and I got teleported here as well. Now, where in God's name am I?" 

"Goodnight." She replied, and turned on her heel to the direction she came in. 

-2 hours later-  
The guard woke with a start to the sound of a gun going off outside the doors. Suddenly, River and the Doctor burst in, a Dalek right behind them. "EXTERMINATE." 

The guard turned and put his head down. They were already dead. Doctor Song began laughing. "What the..." 

Why was she laughing? He just woke up to a Dalek! They would die any second. "I'm River Song," she told the Dalek. "and what I've got right now is the Old Girl and whatever weapons I've got hidden on my body. You happen to be the only one left." She took a step towards it. "Three, two,...." The Dalek started to reverse it back out of the doors. "One." 

An explosion outside the doors made the guard get flung around by the handcuffs. He fainted. 

-12 hours later-

"Why are you resigning? What's she done this time?" The warden asked the guard. He simply shook his head. "I've finally met someone madder than her. And let me tell you-" he paused, leaning forward over the desk. "-I know where she goes every night."


	10. Part 10

A loud, frustrated yell suddenly echoed the halls of Stormcage. 

The guards looked at each other. What had Doctor Song done this time? It was a man's yell, sure, but it was coming from her cell's direction, and all the other prisoners had been moved away from her. For their own protection. 

"Go, go, go!" They picked up their guns and raced down the hallway. As they turned around the corner, they heard a laugh. More specifically, her laugh. They all stopped. That was never a good thing. 

"Alright." The lead one said slowly. They slowly began approaching her cell. "River! Uncuff me! Now." A man's voice sounded. "No. You don't get to tease me about that. In front of my parents, too." She said. 

They finally came to a stop in front of her cell. Doctor Song was standing over a half-dressed man that was handcuffed to her cot and holding a metal object. 

"So my hand on your leg is teasing, now?" "When it's under the table while we're eating and squeezing my thigh, yes." She looked over her shoulder. "Hello boys. This is a private conversation. You'd better leave now." 

They looked at each other. "Doctor Song, who is this man, and what is he doing in your cell?" The lead one asked her. "That's for me to know, and you to never find out." She then held the metal device up. A whirling noise came out of it and sparks flew from their guns. "What the...?" One of them cursed. 

"I didn't mean to! I was a little excited. You were the one who dragged me out of the TARDIS so quickly! I mean, come on. You start doing the tongue thing and then just expect me to sit down and eat?" He said angrily. "Oh, hush. You made me do the same thing when we got interrupted by those stupid Sontarons." 

"That was completely different! They were about to blow up that planet!" A guard suddenly cleared his throat. "Doctor Song, don't keep him here for long. Technically, visiting hours are over. Just get him out of here as soon as you can." He knew better than to threaten her. 

"I'll keep him here as long as I like. And that was definitely not that much different. Dad with a sword is about as scary, if not scarier than a Sontaron." She directed the last part at the man handcuffed. He shrugged in defeat. "True. Alright, fine. You're more stubborn than your mother! How's this- I'm sorry, oh wonderful wife for teasing you. Please find it in your hearts to forgive me." 

She looked in thought up a moment. "Keep going." "I swear not to wear a fez for a week." "Almost there." "Two weeks." He replied grudgingly with a pout. 

She pointed the metal object towards the handcuffs, and a whirling noise sounded again. "Excuse me, but did you just say wife?" The lead guard asked the man curiously. "Alright, dear. Let's leave this lot to wonder and make the TARDIS blush." Doctor Song grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the other side of the cell. 

The guards exchanged looks. What was she doing now? She felt around in the air for a moment before pushing what seemed like air in. An invisible door swung open to reveal a warm golden light. 

They both stepped in. "Wait a second, my jacket's on your cot." The man came back out from the invisible box. "Close your mouths now." He said, amused. They shut them. "Who exactly are you?"

He grinned. "Imagine the trouble your prisoner causes. Then imagine an infinity of that. And then-" He picks up his jacket. "-add a bow-tie."


	11. Part 11

The lights in the prison suddenly flickered. All the guards tensed. The lights didn't just flicker. It wasn't possible. Due to the storms that were often there, they had a special system so the lights would stay on. 

And if it wasn't the storm, then something had to be draining the power. Something powerful. Their minds all immediately went to Doctor Song.

"Jackson, Percy, Shefield. Go check on Doctor Song." The prison warden's voice came over their communicators. Jackson nodded to Percy and Shefield. "Alright. You heard him. Come on." 

They held their guns up in front of them. She could have accidentally (or not so accidentally. They were pretty sure the last time that happened was for her own amusement) brought back a few hostile aliens. 

They rounded the corner. Her cell was on this block. Percy squinted. He could make out a blue box through some suspicious smoke. So the stories were true. There really was a blue box. 

"Doctor Song?" Jackson called. "What?" A male voice called out. They started running towards her cell. What was a man doing here? It was the middle of the night.

They stopped quickly. Inside, there was a man wearing suspenders and a bow tie massaging her feet. She was laid back on her cot with her eyes closed. "Who are you?" Shefield demanded. 

"Oh, no one." The man continued rubbing lotion on her feet. "Mhmm. Do my heel a little harder, sweetie." She told him, eyes still closed. "Doctor Song, why would you bring a foot massager to prison?" Percy asked quietly. 

"I'm not a foot massager!" the man protested. "He said it would be a peaceful date. So, I wore heels. It's his fault my feet hurt." She ignored the Doctor. "Are you the one draining some of the power?" Percy asked her. 

"Actually, that would be mostly his fault. He needed to charge one of his little toys, and I don't want him to leave yet." She replied. "Oh, and do my other foot some now."

"River, when can I stop? I really didn't know that the cooks were assassins! Cross my hearts." The Doctor whined. "You can't charge your things here. Just go to a power station." Shelfield said firmly. " 2 more minutes, and we can go into our bedroom...." She ignored the guard and said to her 'foot massager'. 

He immediately blushed. "Your parents are on board!" "I can be quiet if I need to be." She said with a smirk. "No, you definitely can't. Remember that time we got arrested in Africa? You had to go in that palace, and then wouldn't keep your hands off me! You can't be quiet."

"Actually honey, you wouldn't keep your hands off me. Now hush, or I'll tell Dad." She smarted back. He glared up at her. The lights flickered again. "Sir, I must insist you unplug your things and leave." Percy said, somewhat embarrassed about hearing about her relationship with this young man. 

"Alright. Two minutes. Come on, River." The Doctor stopped massaging her feet and stood up. She took his hand and pulled herself to her feet. "Alright. I'm getting a soak before, though." She told him. 

He pouted. "But you said..." "Or I can shower. You can join." She said suggestively. "Doctor Song, the showers are closed. And even if they weren't, you can't bring some one else...." Jackson's voice trailed off. 

"I'm certainly not using your crappy showers. The Old Girl has much bigger ones." She stated. "You aren't supposed to leave your cell now, Doctor Song." Jackson said sternly. 

Percy and Shelfield exchanged glances. Jackson was new. He had replaced one of the previous guards, who had resigned after Doctor Song had teleported him to a different planet in the middle of an angry mob. Jackson obviously hadn't been told this, or he didn't believe it. 

"I'm not supposed to do a lot of things." She said, smiling. He raised his pistol again. "You will be staying in here." 

In about 2 seconds, she was pinning him down on the floor and was pointing his own gun at his head. "I don't appreciate it when people point guns at me." She growled out. His eyes were widened.

With a swift movement of her fist, she knocked him out. "You didn't have to knock him out." The Doctor said, but his eyes were full of admiration. "Yes I did." She leaned down and pulled the trousers off Jackson. Tossing them to the side, she used her other hand to get a pair of handcuffs from her pocket. 

She snapped them shut around his hands to the bars of her cell. "Now, are you boys going to cause trouble?" Doctor Song asked the two remaining guards. They were just standing there, wide-eyed. Percy shook his head quickly. 

"Good. Come on then, dear." She grabbed the Doctor's hand and pulled him towards the blue box. "Sorry about him." He apologized as he was being tugged along. "Here's some money for the power!" He reached into his pocket and threw a few notes on the floor before disappearing in the box.

Then the box disappeared quietly. They slowly walked over to where it used to be, not believing what they had just seen. 

Percy turned to Shelfield. "I think I'd rather be a foot massager than a prison guard. Much better pay."


	12. Part 12

Wirlston stopped in front of Doctor Song's cell. Unsurprisingly, she wasn't there. He gave a snort. He had only been here a week, and he already saw what he did to the prison. She owned the place. 

Every last one of the guards were terrified of her, if they showed it or didn't. They were, though. She was scary. She disappeared all the time. Usually at night. If any of them tried to stop her, she could have them disabled within a few seconds, no matter what their weapon. 

He looked around. He wasn't sure he was comfortable with this. Going through a prisoner's cell was standard procedure, but this was her we were talking about. Her cell hadn't been gone through yet. She had been here years, but they were all too scared to do it. All the others had refused. As they had put it, they would rather lose their job than lose their life or dignity. 

Who wouldn't hesitate? She was gone, yes, but that didn't mean anything. She would be able to tell someone had been there. You could tell from just looking at her she was a professional. Not just at killing, but in strategy. In planning ahead, seeing around corners, predicting what would happen. So there was no doubt she would notice. 

He had been offered extra pay to do this. A good bit, actually. He honestly hadn't thought it would be difficult when they offered him all that money for a simple task. But then he had met the guards that had been there for more than a few days, and realized it would be harder than he had thought. 

The board wanted to go through her cell to see how many weapons she had hidden. How much money she had stashed. And really, just what kind of things she owned. 

He took a deep breath and put the key in the lock. It pushed open. It was already unlocked. He took a single step in, and paused. He wasn't dead yet. Another step. One more. 

He was at her cot. He looked around one more time. No one. The cot was neatly made with the standard issue white and grey sheets. He reached down and touched it quickly. No bombs went off or anything. 

He touched it once more. Alright, nothing. He tried desperately not to think that she was playing with him, and would blow him to pieces once he reached anything of value. 

He finally actually sat on it. His eyebrows furrowed. This was definitely not a cot from this prison. The ones here were almost as uncomfortable as the floor. This one was better than his own at home. Alright, time to actually start the search. He eased off and down onto his knees. Good. It still hadn't triggered anything. 

He went to lift the mattress, but his hand brushed against- Was that a knob?

He lifted the sheets. Sure enough, it was a knob. There were settings and everything you could switch it to. Really? Come on. His own bed didn't have that many settings! She was just showing off now. Massage, ripple effect, heater, did that say air conditioning? 

Good grief. This lady had to have some amazing connections. He lifted the mattress. Nothing. Wait, no. There was something. He reached under and pulled out a photograph. There was a red head in the picture, holding a baby. He looked at it closely. The baby didn't really look a whole lot like Doctor Song. So who were they? The red head could be a sister, because there were a few similarities. The shape the red head was making with her eyebrows in the photo looked exactly like something she would do. 

He shook his head and set it back down. It wasn't dangerous. Just a picture. He stood up again, and walked over to the wardrobe. He expected this one to have something. An alarm, maybe. Or possibly gun fire to the head. He crouched down before opening it. No poison darts or anything came out. 

He looked around again. He had a feeling some one was watching him. Not creepy at all. He opened the other door and took a look inside. It actually looked... normal. No, wait. It sure extended back a long way.... It's bigger on the inside. Leave it to her to have a bigger-on-the-inside wardrobe. 

It was lined with fairly normal stuff, though. Dresses were hung up in front of all the prison uniforms. Who knows what all those buttons on the side brought up. He pressed a button with a lipstick mark on. Suddenly, it all shifted in front of him and it was filled with lipstick. 

That's just showing off. There was a tube of lipstick with every possible shade of red and pink you could possibly think of, all under sections. One was poisonous lipsticks, another was hallucinogenic, and then there was one normal section. And an.... emotion changer section? Ok, that was definitely strange. 

He looked down at all the little buttons. There were way too many to go through before she got back, and there wasn't any with a gun or a knife on it. Hopefully, that would be fine with the wardrobe search. He looked around. There wasn't really a whole lot else. 

He shut the doors carefully and walked over to a small jewelry box. He opened it gingerly. Nothing. There was nothing in it. What? 

He touched the inside of the box, and the bottom flipped over. Ah. So now he'd find her secret weapon stash. 

No, there was a passcode. A fairly simple ten digit one. Shouldn't take longer than an hour to crack. 

-2 hours later-

He sighed and tried again. Finally, something happened. A small panel showed up in the floor of the cell. He stood up and walked over to it curiously. He picked it up and moved it away. 

Then groaned. Because, on a small piece of paper, was written- 'Here's your new uniform. Spread the word." Worse, it was sitting on top of a roman soldier's outfit.


	13. Part 13

The sirens wailed red, and all the guards rushed for their weapons. Technically, this was supposed to be a lunch break. Gerher had been here a week, and he swore that she always turned on the sirens right when he was trying to enjoy some food.

It just wasn't fair. "This Doctor Song sure is annoying." He mentioned in passing to Fertson. Fertson laughed. "You haven't even gotten her cell yet. You haven't had to patrol it." "Yeah, and?"

Fertson shook his head. "This lady is crazy good, and crazy attractive. Disappears a little while every single night. Possibly a time traveller." Gerher looked at him in confusion. "What, she's got a vortex manipulator?" 

Fertson shrugged. "Probably. I also happed to believe she's in a relationship with the man she murdered." Gerher gave him a look that suggested Fertson was insane. "No, you don't get it. The man she murdered was a Time Lord. Had a blue police box. I've heard some of the old guards, after they resigned, talking about a blue police box showing up in the middle of the night. My guess is, she got in a good relationship with him, you know, to find out information, that kind of thing, then killed him. You know, time travel." He told Gerher quietly. All the other guards had already rushed off to her cell.

Gehrer thought about it. "She really capable of that? Time Lords are a legend." Fertson smiled. "You really should meet her. It gives you perspective on who's in charge of this prison."

"How do you know she's a time-traveller?" He asked Fertson curiously. "Come on, she's only gone 5 minutes before she's back. And she comes back saying things about emperors and queens. Plus, there's always a he. She never says his name, just he." Gerher could see where he was coming from. It did seem like the only explanation that made sense.

"Well, you're right. We are in a relationship, and I am a time traveller. But I'm not with him for information. We're married." Doctor Song's voice rang out behind them. They both had their guns pointed at her. Fertson was right. She is crazy attractive. Gerher suddenly thought.

A noise that sounded like engines suddenly came into the hallway. "Ah, we'll talk later boys. That would be my ride." With that, she lifted a device, and their guns suddenly had sparks flying from them. Gerher cursed as he dropped his gun.

Fertson watched her retreating form, and wasn't surprised at all to see her disappearing into a blue police box.


	14. Part 14

"Doctor Song can come to the exam room now. Try and get her to come as quietly as possible. If she doesn't come, then we'll stun her." The warden's voice came over the communicator. 

The guard nodded and walked towards her cell, actually scared to death on the inside. Doctor Song, going to a doctor. Ha. The doctor that was examining her would end up never coming back to this prison again. 

"Doctor Song. We have a doctor here, and the board wants you to be examined. If you'll come with me. Please." He added the last part quickly. The woman looked up from some object she was studying in her hand. "Not now, sorry. I'm busy. Just got the Doyhan of Plixo. Took forever. I want to see if it really is made out of 300 jewels." 

The guard sighed. This was going to be difficult. "Can't you analyze it when you get back? This doctor man they hired- John Smith. Best of the best. He said he could do the examination on you, and you'd let him. The board just wants to know something medical about you." 

River looked up from her desk. "You said his name is John Smith?" the guard nodded. "Do you know if he was dressed ridiculously? Bow tie, possibly a fez?" 

"No, I don't know. They just said John Smith." River stood up. "Alright. He can examine me. I swear, if he does anything stupid, I'm gonna kill him." 

The guard's eyes widened. "What?" 

"Oh, not literally. Good grief. If he does anything stupid, then I'll take all of his hats and blow them up." She said, rolling her eyes. The guard nodded nervously. "Alright, m'am, I've got to handcuff you." 

River sighed. "Everyone knows I can get out of those things. I don't see the point, really." But she put her hands out in front of her nonetheless. The guard snapped them around her wrists and got behind her. "Dean, Yink, with me." He called out, and one got on each side. 

"Ok, I have Doctor Song. We are on our way." He said into a communicator as they walked down the hallway. "You got her? Seriously? No men injured?" The warden's voice rang out in disbelief. River laughed at that. "Yes, sir." 

They reached a metal door and led her in. She took immediate surveillance. It looked like a normal sick bay, except there were straps to hold people down and all the sharp tools were most likely locked in those boxes. And the tinted window that stretched all the way across the room. They could see her. She didn't mind, though.

As long as it was the correct John Smith.

"Alright, let him in." The guard said aloud. They could hear everything. Not a huge deal. She didn't mind talking in front of the guards about everything. As long as they had no clue what she was talking about, that is. 

The door swung open, and in he walked. Yes, it was the correct John Smith. "You can leave us, boys. I've got her. She isn't going to go anywhere." He said smugly. River rolled her eyes. 

The guards exchanged looks. If he didn't want assistance with containing her, why should they stay? They'd ask the warden. "Alright, Mrs. River Song, if you wouldn't so terribly mind laying right here." The Doctor said, patting an examining table. 

Good. At least they were married in his time stream. She walked over and laid down quietly. "Alright, I'm going to be looking at your eyes and ears and mouth first. Unless you have two mouths?" He asked with a grin, because in reality he knew every part of that woman like the back of his hand. 

"No, just one." She said warningly. She didn't want funny business. He enjoyed messing with her, and she knew it. "Alright then. Let's do it then. Open up- ok. Looks fine." He took the probe out of her mouth and moved on to her ears. "Fine, and- This left one is slightly red on the inside." He said, gently moving her ear into a position where he could see it better. 

"Yes, I've had some problems with it, but I'm taking medicine for it from another Doctor." she said, giving him a look. The warden and the guards and a member if the board all exchanged glances. She wasn't as far as they knew. 

"The eyes, now." He told her, picking up a different thing. "Slightly darker than usual. Hmm." he said, smirking. She glared at him. "If you want to keep a single fez, I don't suggest you start." 

He raised his arms in surrender. "Ok then Mrs. Song." The Doctor flipped to the next paper after writing the information down. "Heartbeat next. This is going to be cold." He put his old stethoscope and put it in his ears. He lifted her shirt up gently, and then moved the metal under and up to her heart. 

The people watching were impressed. The only other time she had been examined, they had to have several doctors come in because she kept injuring them. This one got a stethoscope under her shirt, and all she did was raise an eyebrow. 

"Alright. Heart beat is fine. Now blood pressure." The Doctor said, taking out a small device. "I'm going to prick your finger." He told River, who nodded. He was doing everything right so far. 

He pricked it quickly, and got the blood on the small card. "Sorry this is so low tech. Been away for a while." He told her, which translated into 'I was in the wrong time when I picked all this stuff up.'

"-And blood pressure is fine. I'm going to push down on your stomach now." He informed her, walking up close to the examining table and lifting her shirt to reveal her belly. He pushed down gently, feeling it and making sure there was nothing in there. 

He then met her eyes and squeezed a bruise on her hip. That he had put there. "Stop." She said, getting annoyed. He was doing it purposely. 

He sat back onto a small swivel chair and spun around in it. River rolled her eyes, and all the people watching wondered what he was doing. "Doctor, can we finish this stupid thing? I am perfectly fine with having the Old Girl delete the hat room." She said, trying to get him to stop spinning. 

He sighed and stopped. "River, you aren't being much fun. Now, what's next?" He picked up the clipboard on the side and flipped to another page. His face reddened when he read it. "I'm sorry. I don't want to do this part in front of you. I can manage privately." He said, looking toward the window. A voice came out of the communicator on the side table. "Sir, you must have the warden and a board member present at all parts of the exam."

The Doctor shook his head. "No, I won't do that. Fire me if you like. But I'm obviously the only person she'll let examine her. That's the deal." River groaned. He was so possessive sometimes. 

"Someone has to be there to make sure you do the procedure, sir." The Doctor shook his head at the window. "I'll do it. Privately. No cameras, nothing. One person can be present. A woman. A woman that likes men." 

There was a slight static on the other end. It was being discussed. "Yes sir. We can do that." 

A line of people emerged from the door that led into the watching room. One woman walked up to him and stuck out her hand. "Jeannette Kathy. Member of the board." 

The Doctor ignored her hand. "Are you only interested in men?" He asked bluntly. It was his wife, after all.

She quirked an eyebrow up. "Yes."

"Ok. Then you can go in there, and preferably not watch most of this exam." He pointed at the window. 

"I appreciate it, sweetie. You know, they don't have to have all medical information about me." River whispered to him when Jeannette left. 

"They need to know something about you. What if something happens and you go back to prison, and I can't make it there? Somebody will have to look after you." He whispered back. 

River sighed. She knew he would always find a way to come. He always did. "Ok, just do the stupid thing." 

-Two hours later-

"Yes, sir. She let him do it." Jeannette told the warden. "Really? Didn't slap him or anything? No punches?" He asked curiously. 

"None. Didn't bat an eyelid." She told him. "Heck, Doctor Smith was more uncomfortable with the situation."

"Yes, where is that man? Have you seen him? He just sort of disappeared after the exam. About the same time Doctor Song did." The warden told her. "What do you mean? Doctor Song is gone?" Jeannette asked, annoyed. 

"Yes. She's gone every night, though. She'll be back. Trust me, she's escaped this prison 463 times. And returned by herself every one of them as well." He told her, waving his hand dismissively. 

"She's not supposed to be able to escape. This is a prison." Jeannette said in a matter-of-fact tone. 

The warden laughed. "Why don't you try guarding her cell one night. Try and stop her. How do you not know about this? They must have purposely not told you." 

So the next night, she went to River's cell. She walked past it with her in it, and then turned around to pace to the other end. 

And she was gone.


	15. Part 15

Doctor Song walked out in front of the guards cheerfully. It was lunch time, and he had said that he'd be bringing her food. Good food. It'd better be. He owed her one.

A guard walked up to her and her escorts once they reached the food cafeteria. "Doctor Song, there's a visitor for you. Wants to eat lunch with you." He said, obviously confused. 

River smiled. "Good by me." The guard nodded nervously and went to get him. A moment later, the Doctor was being escorted by a guard towards her. He was pushing a cart. 

"Honey, sit down." He instructed her, getting a covered platter off the cart. The guards exchanged glances. Honey? And what was on the cart?

River complied and sat down in the seat. "Boys, you can go stand by the door or something. I can handle her." The Doctor told them, grabbing another platter and a few wine glasses. 

The guards nodded and went to their shifts. "Ok, last one." The Doctor put one more platter on the small plastic table. "What'd you bring?" She asked, eying the covered dishes warily. He did have unusual tastes. 

He grabbed a bottle of wine from underneath the cart and ignored her question. "How'd you get that in here? We aren't supposed to have alcohol." She asked, amused. She, of course, had her own bottle of wine from 18th century France in her cell. 

He sat down across from her. "Clip on perception filter." She grinned. A clip on. He leaned across the table and took off the cover. She stared at the dish. "I hate you." 

"You really don't." 

She closed her eyes tightly. "What else did you bring? Please tell me there are more entrees." 

He took the cover off another platter. "These." She scrunched her nose up. "That's it. I'm getting Chinese food." She stood up. 

"You can't order Chinese in prison, River!" he tried calling after her. "Just you watch me!"

He sighed and slumped down in the cold metal chair. It was perfectly good food. She just didn't appreciate deliciousness. 

Meanwhile, back at her cell, one of guards tried to start a chat. "Have a good lunch?" 

"No." She replied, sitting on her bed. "Them cooks poisonin' everyone again?"he asked, amused. "He brought fish fingers and custard. And jammy dodgers." She told him, still fuming at her husband. 

The guard looked at her quizzically. "Fish fingers and custard?" 

She flopped her head into her only pillow. "I hate him." 

"You really don't." Was the last thing the guard heard before everything went black.


	16. Part 16

The warden sighed in relief when his watch alarm went off. Finally. Time for lunch. To be more specific, his favorite Earth classic- pizzo. 

[Quick A/N- yes, I meant to spell it like that]

The food was absolutely delicious. He had just discovered it last week, and couldn't wait to have some more. It was quite expensive, but worth it. He had called the company earlier, and there was supposed to be a fresh box waiting in his office. 

He quickened his pace as he got closer to the door. He tried the door- to find that it was locked. Of course; he had locked it when he left, as always. He fumbled around in his pocket for the digital key. When he found it, he inserted it into the lock and pushed the door. 

"Finally,- Doctor Song, that's mine!" He shouted at the curly haired woman who was currently eating his pizzo. She ignored him, taking another bite. 

She was sitting in his chair, with her feet up on his desk, with some of his files beside the box of food. Not only that, watching his digital entertainment system. Like she owned the place. Which really wasn't that far from the truth. He drew his weapon and pointed it at her. "Get up right now. I am escorting you back to your cell." 

She held up a power pack to his gun, not taking her eyes off the screen. "Nah. I'm enjoying your pizza. And this show." It took all of his willpower not to stomp his foot like a frustrated child. "First, Doctor Song, I would like to know what you're doing in my office. Also, it's pizzo, not pizza." 

She still didn't look away from the screen while talking to him. "Pizzo? Ha, you people sure do mess it up. I'm in your office because I got bored. The guards are getting way too easy now! I walked all the way here. You need to ramp up your game. I'm also going to tell you that there's a secret hole in one of the showers. Hidden. Well, not really. It's obvious, actually. He hasn't got it very large, though. I'd say it's the guy from cell 382."

With that, she took another bite of his pizzo-well, pizza. He groaned and sat down in the chair that was usually here for the prisoners. "Any other security breaches I should know about?"

"I can have you a list by tomorrow morning." She responded, taking the nerve to take a sip of his drink. 

He was getting more annoyed by the second. She hadn't lifted her eyes from the entertainment system-his entertainment system- once. She was the most frustrating prisoner he had ever had, or anyone had ever had, for that matter. 

"I prefer 'challenge' over frustrating." She piped up. His eyes snapped to her face. "What, so now you're telepathic, as well?" 

"A little. Enough to be able to get into weak people's minds and to get highly connected with someone willing to share their mind. Makes for some absolutely mind blowing- never mind. Say, do you have any popcorn?" She finally looked away from the screen, scanning his office for some. 

"No, I haven't." She sighed and stood up. "Can't have everything, I suppose. I'll be going to my cell now. Got the mail you've been keeping from my, by the way." She poked his cheek as she passed him. "Don't look so annoyed. I left you a piece."

She left the room, and he looked over at the pitiful little triangle she had left him. 

Then decided to finish filling out the resignation forms Doctor Song had put on his desk.


	17. Part 17

Ok, this was just ridiculous. And unfair. And showing off. Lee sighed and closed his eyes, hoping he was just hallucinating.

No such luck.

"Doctor Song, why do you have a pool in your cell?" She looked up from the book she was currently reading. "You know, you lot aren't as smart as your resumes say." Lee scowled. She enjoyed messing with them way too much.

"When you have a pool," she began, reaching up to turn off the sun lamp rigged above her, "you usually swim in it. Most planets do that, and a little soldier boy like you should know that."

He took another look at the 9 foot long thing she had somehow managed to bust out one of the cell walls for. "How exactly did you make it?"

"I have connections. Some people who owe me a favor. And this is what they specialize in." She replied easily. "You know, we do have an exercise pool. There was no reason for you to build this."

She stood up and walked over to the water, then dipped her feet in. "Yes, but all kinds of people go in there. It's all dirty. Plus, this way I get to see the looks on all the guards' faces when they walk by."

Lee frowned. She was definitely messing with him. He probably should have left, and just reported her. But he was curious.

"You're just showing off, aren't you? That's what all this is. Proving that you can do it, and you will do it, and nothing will stop you. You'll keep leaving this prison, and we can't stop you, and then you come back just to gloat about it. You do it all just to mess with our heads. Is that what this is all about? You plan every single last thing you do, and then we run around in circles, looking like fools! Because that's what you want!" He ranted at her.

She just grinned up at him and switched the sun lamp back on.

"Actually, no. I leave prison because I want to, and I got this pool because I wanted to go for a sanitary swim. I do love when you people over think it, though. If you like, I'll let you swim in it too. But not every day."

Lee actually thought about her proposition before remembering that she was bad. A killer. You don't swim in a killer's pool. He shook his head. "Look, Doctor Song, we're going to get into a lot of trouble with the board over this one. Can you cut us some slack?" 

She shrugged. "Why don't you keep patrolling? Maybe it'll be gone by the time you pass by." 

Lee rubbed his temples and followed her suggestion. 

-5 hours later-

Lee files into the meeting room. They had all been called in by the warden, and he had a feeling about what it could be about. 

The warden stepped to the front of the room, and held up a small tablet.

"Does anyone know why Doctor Song invited all the staff to a pool party?"


	18. Chapter 18

The guard pulled out a cigarette and switched it on. It wasn't exactly the healthiest, but at least the nicotine was treated and not that dangerous. It was his break, so naturally he'd come to his favorite place in Stormcage: the oxygen factory.

The place was filled with the cyborg trees, and it was actually a favorite for practically everyone in the facility. Outside of the building, it was only rain and storms, and there was very little oxygen in the air. This place was where it all came from. Once you came to Stormcage, you were forced to stay inside the entire time. Not by anyone, necessarily, but you couldn't go out without oxygen. This forest was the closest thing they had to a natural environment. Many came just because of that; they missed having something natural. They left their planets, some of which were lush and filled with vegetation, to come here. It wasn't appealing, but the pay was really good.

He inhaled the cigarette slowly, trying to drag out the time. He certainly didn't want to go back inside. After his break, he had to patrol her. He had been hearing stories about this criminal, and she sounded like the worst criminal there. He had been lucky enough in his 2 months being here not to have had to patrol her block. No escaping it now, though. The thing was, in all the stories he had heard from the more experienced guards, the way they told them was so... he couldn't really think of the word. Not exactly fond, but they didn't hate her, either. Well, maybe they did, but in a different way. It wasn't so much a she-is-pure-evil-and-discusts-me hate, more a she-did-it-again-why-is-she-so-infuriating hate.

"You know, those aren't really healthy." A voice came from behind. He sighed. He didn't care what the other guards thought. "Yeah, well, it's about all I can do to keep from going mad." He replied.

A moment in silence passed, and then the voice was closer, right behind his ear. "Mad? Everyone here is mad, love." He jumped at the proximity of the woman, and turned to reply when he saw the hair. Oh, yes. The hair that everyone described as wild and honey and fire. Interesting words to choose to describe hair, he'd thought at the time. But now that he saw it... that's about the only way one could describe it.

His right hand immediately shot down to his gun, but he found his holster empty. He swallowed and backed away, reaching for his communicator, only to find that it, too, was no longer where it had been. The woman, the woman, sighed and held up the communicator and gun before stuffing them into her pocket. "No, dear, don't want any of that. No worries, I won't kill you." At his look of terror she continued, "Or injure you." She seemed to reconsider this. "Probably."

He took the best defensive stance he could manage, but when she walked up to him the only thing she did was pluck away his cigarette. She wiped a cloth over it before switching it on and bringing it to her lips. She gave a small hum of approval, and then pulled it out. "Hmm. Not as good as those cotton candy flavored hyper vodka sticks. Let me tell you, those are hard to stop." She said, then walked over to sit down on a small bench.

He eyed her warily from the side, wondering how he'd get out of this. This prisoner was a well-trained murderer, and could have taken him down even if he'd been holding his gun to her head. So, since she hadn't killed him, maybe that meant she wasn't planning on it.

After a moment of thinking and weighing the risks, he approached her and sat down on the other side of the bench. She had sat the cigarette down by this point, and was now.... he didn't know what. Admiring? the trees.

The woman was calm, and at the moment, it was almost difficult to tell she was a trained killer.

"What are you doing in here?" The guard asked, finally finding the courage to speak.

She glanced over. "I do get bored in that cell, believe it or not. I can't always leave this place when I get bored. Everyone would get fired."

Silence. "I'm guessing you like it in here, too?" She asked.

He took a deep breath. "It's better than everywhere else on the planet." She shrugged. "True. Beautiful, isn't it?"

He raised his eyebrows. A concept of beauty... he wasn't sure why that surprised him. She was a sentient life form, so of course she had a concept of beauty. It was easy to forget that the prisoners were alive and thinking.

"Um, yeah. I guess so."

"You know what would be good?" She wondered aloud. He didn't answer, assuming it was a rhetorical question.

"They could have a pond in here. And some life forms. Some frogs, some deer, maybe some lizards. It'd be a great environment. They could fertilize it even more. Help supply more power to the system." She paused. "Why am I the first to think of that?"

She stayed silent after that for a while.

Then she stood up and sat his communicator, gun, cigarette, and wallet (wait, wallet?) down beside him. "I've gotta go. Do me a favor and tell the Warden that my TV needs a new screen. And tell him I'll be back soon." Then she walked away, the only evidence that she had been there being the lipstick on his cigarette.

He sighed and stood up a minute later. Might as well do what she asked. After all, she had just spared him the shift by her cell. What was the point of guarding it if she wasn't in there?

-5 hours later-

The warden paced the stage, staying quiet for a moment, his face exhausted. "We have spent the last 4 hours getting rid of frogs, alligators, Hakenik, and Jellupinoids. As I'm sure you all know, Jellupinoids are not easy to be rid of, and form very strong bonds with the first person they see."

All that were gathered watching suppressed a snicker. "There is only one person who could have the resources or the..." He paused, "audacity to pull such a thing off. So we're making a new oxygen factory, and Doctor Song gets the old one and..." he stopped, scowling, "a new TV screen, since, apparently, the other one broke. In return for this, she promises to remove the Jellupinoids from all personell that have gotten one attached to them."

"Aren't you going to tell them what else?" A voice came from the side.

And there she was. Doctor Song, smirking and swinging her legs against the side.

The warden sighed and rubbed his temples. "And she's not going to report us to the board about all our security breaches."

"Well, actually," River said, studying her fingernails, "I said I wouldn't personally go to the board and report you. I'll definitely still report you if you don't add the pond to the oxygen factory."

The Jallupinoid attached to the warden's leg suddenly purred.

"I think she wants a pond, too." River added with a cheeky smile.


	19. Chapter 19

Feltson groaned and stretched his back. Doctor Song had escaped. Again. And they'd had to search the prison for her. Again. And she'd left a sarcastic little note. Again.

Really, they should have known better than turn the alarms on and tell the warden when she started packing. Seriously. The newbies weren't very good with her. They thought they were perfectly fine with guarding her, and there was no was she could escape if they were sitting right beside her the whole time. But they were wrong. Again.

He grabbed a bottle of water and took a sip. It was his break, and he seriously needed to relieve stress. Doctor Song had been gone for a while this time, and still hadn't come back. The entire prison was on Level 8 surveillance.

Feltson took one last bit of his sandwich and stood up, setting down the trash he had and putting his gun back in it's holster. Then he decided the best thing to do was to have a little target practice. That was what all the guards did when they were stressed out and annoyed- usually, of course, because of one certain prisoner.

Once he got there, he grabbed a couple of extra rounds and walked in. He was about to pick a target when he noticed there was someone else in the room. Someone with blond, curly hair. Someone with curves. Someone that was reloading her gun. Someone who wore the standard issue prison uniform.

It wasn't hard to tell who it was from behind. He'd never seen anyone else with hair quite like hers.

She may have been the most dangerous prisoner in Stormcage, but Feltson decided to let her be and see what happened. She'd no doubt noticed he walked in, trained assassin she was.

He pushed a button on a remote, and the target he wanted popped up 20 yards away. Taking another glance at Doctor Song first, he leveled his gun and squeezed the trigger with the tip of his finger. Once, twice, three times. He'd hit the second ring.

He leveled it again and shut one eye, focusing on the sight. _BAM. BAM. BAM._

Then he turned around and walked back to the ammunition table, finding the correct bullets and pulling out the magazine.

Doctor Song, he noticed, was reassembling and taking apart the Glock she held remarkably quickly, pressing a stop watch every time she finished.

He put the magazine in until he heard a _click,_ then turned back around and began firing once more.

He almost jumped out of his skin when he heard the _BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM_ in a quick succession. He whirled around quickly. Doctor Song was already back at the ammunition table, reloading. He glanced at the target she'd been using. This one was shaped like a man, with small targets over the vitals.

She'd hit twice straight through the bulls-eye of the heart, once through the head, twice in the neck, and one more through the stomach. All perfect shots.

He couldn't help but admire them. Really, she could have easily qualified for special training.

Feltson was so busy admiring her shooting he didn't notice when she leveled a revolver and began to shoot again.

_BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM._

She took a deep breath, relaxing her straight arms and letting the cylinder open up.

Once again, all perfect shots.

He turned back to get a revolver himself.

"So," He decided to say. "You do this often?"

She was reloading hers at that point, and slid a bullet into each hole. "When I'm stressed."

"Wow. Not a lot, then?"

She chuckled, closing the cylinder. "I have a feeling I'll be coming here more often now."

"Really." He stated, putting bullets in his own gun.

"It's far too complicated, dear." She replied, aiming and firing the gun once more, this time at a normal target.

He smiled and turned around, shooting his own a few times. They weren't amazing, but they were good enough.

"You know, funny thing is, I came here because of all the stress you're causing me." He turned and laid the revolver down, picking up a 9 mm.

"Really."

"You informed us you were going to America, wherever the hell that is, and left for quite a while this time. We checked through every ship we had leaving, and you weren't on any of them. So yes, it was quite stressful. What about you?"

She put her gun down on the table and sat down in a folding chair. "Like I said, complicated. Vacation didn't turn out quite the way I planned. He's getting further and further away."

" 'He'?" Feltson questioned. "Who's he?"

"His name is none of your business." She replied sharply.

"Sorry." He put his hands up in surrender, then put them back down when he reminded himself that _she_ was the prisoner.

"Do me a favor and get back to your cell soon." He told her, and fired his gun a few times at the target.

"Yeah." She replied. He sat his gun down, nodded to her, and left.

*************

The warden groaned. "Feltson, I've been questioning everyone today. Now, let's get this over with quick. Someone put a target up that closely resembles a Stormcage guard."

Feltson raised an eyebrow. "Really? It been shot at?"

"Not exactly. We have a pretty good idea of who did it, but we don't have proof."

"What about it, then?"

"See for yourself." He pressed a button, and a hologram came up behind him.

"Doctor Song." Feltson guessed, looking at the target.

"I can't think of anyone else who'd put one up face covered in lipstick, handcuffed to a pole."

"With their trousers missing." Feltson added.

"Don't suppose you saw her in there?" The warden asked hopefully. He couldn't do anything about it unless there was proof.

Feltson stood up. "Sorry, sir. I haven't."


End file.
